Sweet quarantine
The hazy, late day Sun crept through my window and for the first time in a long time I feel revitalized. For the first time in a long time, I opened the curtain and let him in. I open the window, and invite the breeze in as well. An unlikely threesome. It’s the only action I’m getting these days, and the only Vitamin D attainable in these “social distancing” times. I let my hair down, and allow myself to appreciate it’s piercing rays on my skin . It’s warmth makes me feel like I’m alfresco. I close my eyes and imagine myself sitting on the bench of my favorite park. The smell of Shish kebab and Spring. The hustle and bustle. The cars roaring down 5th Avenue. Man, I miss Manhattan.
I look outside and see a few faces. All covered. The new normal. The shrills of siren, after siren, after fucking siren frequently fill the eerily quiet air leaving it’s unpleasant and rhythmic song behind to dance with my already anxious and fearful heart. Everything looks like it’s happening at a snail’s pace. The people walking their Dogs. The ladies pushing their carts to the supermarket. The cars cruising down the boulevard. The hands on the clock seem to tick by unhurriedly. Even my bathroom faucet steadily drips a sad tune. We are all moving through our days like Neo from the Matrix who dodged bullets in slow motion, except the bullet we are all bobbing and weaving is invisible. No long black trenches. No guns. Just surgical masks, gloves, and a shitload of faith.
My dog stares at me. He wants to go outside, but I don’t want to. The book on my night stand beams it’s bold neon words at me. I should read it, but I don’t want to. The phone rings, I should pick up, but I don’t want to. I feel tired at times, I should take a nap, but I don’t want to. I hear the news in the other room. I should turn it off, but I don’t want to. Social Media has become daunting. I should stop scrolling, but I don’t want to. I feel like a dog chasing his tail, running in circles, and going no where. So much free time to do whatever it is I please, yet no motivation to get anything done. I’m stuck in a fucking rut I have no idea how to get out of.
As the days continue to drag me in and out of it’s sometimes calm, and sometimes savage waves, I have to remind myself, to be gentle with myself. It is ok, not to be ok. I have my days. My up days, my down days. But I’m grateful. EVERYDAY. Letting the sun in is not only an act of self care, it’s an act of rebellion against the darkness that has taken over. Opening that curtain was a loud and powerful FUCK YOU, the middle finger I threw up to confront the darkness and let him know that at this moment, he was not welcome here. Opening the window and letting the breeze in, allowed the darkness to escape, at this moment I choose not to sit in the darkness but to get up and dance with the wind, while the sun watches. The darkness can be enchanting and comforting, but these days, it’s been draining and paralyzing. I can’t say that those shadows won’t come back to visit, that I won’t submit to it’s forceful, suffocating grip and wallow in it’s deep, obscure crevasses. I just can’t allow for it to unpack and live here. Without the occasional darkness, you can’t appreciate the light. The sun eventually has to shine, right? It can’t rain all the time...
