Creating within the chaos

There’s a meme going around…

“If you don’t come out of this quarantine with either a new skill, starting what you’ve been putting off like a new business, or more knowledge, you didn’t ever lack the time, you lacked the discipline.”

Now, I’m all for making good use of free time, but I also found this statement to be insensitive. Yes, we all have this free time now, but I don’t think discipline is the problem when some of us are dealing with the re-triggering of an anxiety and/or depression that was otherwise dormant until we were faced with the harsh and unexpected new reality of a fucking global epidemic & economic uncertainty. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never lived through an epidemic and I damn sure wasn’t prepared for this shit, nor was I at all prepared for the way I was going to react to all of this the way that I did. I’ve suffered from both depression and anxiety in the past but I’ve been doing a pretty damn good job managing it, until now. It’s been quite unsettling, and just a tad bit distracting.

All of a sudden there’s this extra pressure to be productive, but how can I produce when that anxiety/depression continues to manifest itself daily in different ways causing me to at times, completely shut down? I’m sorry if I’m not living up to someone’s expectations of “being productive” during these challenging times. I’m sorry if I don’t spend hours on end learning how to play an instrument or speak a new language. Sorry if I’m not out there building a fucking business, finishing old projects or starting new ones. We’re not all built the same. We don’t all handle or process these things in the same way. People have told me to “make good use of this time” as if I want to spend my days sitting at the end of my couch talking myself through a fucking panic attack. Why is it so hard to understand that the uncertainty of what’s going on in the world right now makes focused attention to anything, a lot more difficult than it was BC? (Before Corona) Recognize, that not all of us are going to organize our closets, watch DIY videos or write a damn book. Perhaps we are being called to just be still, to connect to a higher power, to reflect, to heal, to put into perspective what is really important and what isn’t. To sit back and just, be. Some people are in such a rush to go back to “normal” but what are you really trying to rush back to? Was normal working for you? Let’s face it. Most of you were unhappy with your everyday lives and routines anyway, so please spare me the speech about what I should or should not be doing with this time. Allow for me to get through this to the rhythm of my own beat. If that means baking a bread pudding one day, watching re-runs of Three’s Company, deep conditioning my hair, or just staying in bed, then so be it. If you are able to concentrate and give your direct attention to something right now, then BRAVO, good for you! I don’t need anyone making me feel guilty or inadequate for not honoring your definition of being productive. Some days, I’m just proud I made it through without completely losing my shit. What we need is for people to be more understanding and compassionate. So please. A little less judgement and a lot more kindness. It’s what we need more of these days.

With that being said, I’ve been having a difficult time concentrating on anything. My writing, has especially suffered. I haven’t been motivated or inspired to continue a writing project I’ve been working on, or inspired to bust out a random short story or poem as I would sometimes do either on my phone, or a blank book I keep by my nightstand. If we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic, I might blame this sudden slump on writers block. Maybe it’s a mix of both. Whatever it is, that desire to “create” just isn’t there. But where did it go? Where is it hiding? More importantly, where do I find it? How can I get that feeling back? That inescapable urge to just pick up the pen and leave it all on the page? I haven’t been showing up for myself lately, I don’t feel like myself lately. Is it because I’m not dedicating any time to the things that I love, and fill my spirit that got me feeling stagnant and uninspired? When your soul is on E, it’s difficult to find the fuel to propel and move you. Where do I find the strength to create in the midst of all this chaos?

My phone rings at 8:34am. Not unusual to get a call from my love at that hour. He was out on his balcony, telling me how gorgeous it was outside. I turn my body to face the window, and saw what a beautiful morning it was. His joy rubbed off on me. His energy is so beautiful, and contagious. I decided I did not want to roll over and go back to sleep. I told myself that I did not want today to look like yesterday. That I would show up for myself today. That I would make a small effort towards being creative. To visit the page, and see what unfolded. I wanted to get up and make the most out of this bright and tranquil morning. It’s Saturday, and Alicia will be sending the zoom link soon for “Creating within the Chaos.” I can’t think of a better way to start my day and get those creative gears going.

The Sun looked so inviting in my bedroom, I opened the curtain and and put the screen in the window for the first time since October. I decided that this is where I wanted to write today. In front of my window, light pouring in, the city singing it’s restless tune below me, tress swaying, and the perfect view of Manhattan that I endlessly stare at through fire escape bars and a dirty window. I was happy to log in. I was happy to see Alicia. Being in her presence, even virtually, is so comforting. I saw a few familiar faces, and a few new ones. All coming together for the sole purpose of nurturing their craft. To give themselves the time and the space they need to dedicate to their passion. To share how they feel, what they bring to that space, and to set their intentions for the day. Alicia always thinks of creative ways to keep us engaged, and today she sent us a link to an article with a series of paintings to choose from and write down what comes up for us. And just like that, within a span of 2 hours, I scrawled 3 short stories from 3 of the paintings I observed. Writers block, my sweet little ass! It felt so good just to write SOMETHING. To be creative and create something new. To push myself. To remind myself that this is what gives me life, it’s my therapy, a way to connect with myself on a deeper level. Sometimes all you need is a little kick in the ass to get you going. If that means waking up early on a Saturday to honor your inner writer, then that’s what you do. I have an on and off relationship with that girl. There are times when I am actively on the page, and times when I don’t write down a single word. When I go back to the page, I feel like I am home again, like this is where I belong. When I abandon the page, I feel like something is missing, like I’m betraying the very essence of what makes me who I am. I’m happy that I spent my morning writing away.. For two hours I didn’t think about the pandemic. I didn’t think about being unemployed, I didn’t surrender to my anxieties or uncertainties. It was just me, the page, and the courage to create within the chaos.

With Style and Pizazz,

YAZ